Learning to Lean

I'm pretty sure that most of y'all who read this regularly are aware that my family's going through some trials at the moment. Particularly, my brother Ben. I have no intention of delving into the specifics here, but I do feel like it's a good place to sound off, so to speak, about everything.

Mostly, I go through phases of anger/frustration, indifference, and occasionally acceptance. You would think that if I've managed to accept these burdens before, I should still be accepting of them now. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. I mean, I'll be in a good "trust in the Lord" phase & then I get fed up & revert to anger, closely followed by frustration. Of course the logical part of my brain knows that this is the influence of the Adversary, but the rest of me just feels like I've been dragged behind a semi for the past 15 months! Emotionally, that is.

And then I become desensitized. While these are the times that I feel the most "normal" & like I can handle the rest of my life (medical school's no picnic), I come out of it feeling infinitely worse than ever because Mama & Daddy don't get to just tune it all out when it gets to be too much. So I feel guilty that I'm not "in the trenches" with them, in spirit at least if not in person. Cue breakdown.

You know the thing about it though? It seems that all of us are going through similar cycles & thankfully they don't tend to line up! So when I'm in a bad place & really upset, Mama and/or Daddy are being strong & can help me. Also, I'm learning to rely on my Heavenly Father for strength & comfort. I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who are great examples in this respect, in and out of the church. It's a hard lesson for me, to be sure. I'm not good at asking for help & even if I do, I often don't really exercise the faith necessary to receive those blessings. (And that goes for faith in other people as much as in Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ.) But I'm learning & trying every day to do better.

Thanks for your help, even if you didn't know you were giving it!